Thursday, December 5, 2013

Many Moons

It’s 2:09am and I’m starting a post. Insomnia has become my unwelcome companion as of late. The house sleeps, I do not. Tomorrow looms. At this point it is actually today bearing down on me. It is my daughter’s fifth birthday.

Somehow half a decade has flown by in my second career as an at-home dad. 1,826 days I have been a father. 260 weeks seems like an awful long time, how can it have passed just like that? The moon has shone full 62 times since the night she was born. How many new moons will I see before she drives, graduates, leaves home? How many before she is married? When I think of time that way it breathes new life into one of her favorite sayings, “I love you to the moon and back.” In the back of my mind, I wonder how many turns around the sun are in me? Will it be enough? Surely I am losing potential with my over-eating, my smoking (light these days, but not non-existent), my lack of exercise, not to mention sleep.

I’m a chronic procrastinator. Always waiting for some pressure to jolt me into action, or setting arbitrary moments in the future when I will do something. I’ll be a better husband tomorrow. I’ll do the dishes in the morning. New Year’s is coming up, I’ll start to exercise and eat better then. Next week, I’m going to spend less time staring at my phone and more time talking with my children about what they find important. Soon, I’ll start planning what to do with myself as my youngest enters school. A plan is needed. It’s time to plan to start planning. You see, the new and improved me is always right around the corner. Meanwhile, the moon waxes and wanes. The clock ticks and my fingers click. Is that pain in my joints? Has my steady march toward entropy gained momentum while I didn’t?

No matter. Tick. What’s gone is gone. Tock.

Quarter to three now. My mind races and my heart is determined to pump a little faster than usual this evening. Strangely, I’m not antsy. I’m writing. I’m putting my change to paper. Penning my own pressure. Write out of thin air. I’m nearly to the moon and I’ve got to make the return trip. I promised a young lady “and back…” This is no one-way journey and I can’t allow time to do me in like so much sandstone in the river bed. Tomorrow Today is the day. Step one…  go the @#%! to sleep. Do not obsess over this post, don’t edit it, let it go, it’s done (tick, tock). Get some rest and be there for J Bean’s big day. Lasso this moon and don’t let go because there can never be enough. Good night, moon.


  1. I had written a response this morning, but when it prompted to log me in my response disappeared, so I went back to bed.

    I essentially said, at least you aren't up at 4:30 AM like me because our baby woke up and wanted to play. I think you need a technology break. Go sleep! lol

    My daughter is now 11 and sometimes I wonder what happened to the time, as if she was just 5 a few weeks ago. It happens so fast and I am now trying to hold onto more moments and engage more often because I know soon she will be a teenager.

    My advice to you is to keep setting goals and work toward them. Force yourself to get down to a gym 2-3 times a week and run a few miles. If you get that cardio workout every week, you will feel SO much better! And quit smoking NOW, for yourself, your daughter, and your family! Get the patch, some gum, plan out your days so you have other activities besides smoking!

    You can always reach out to the dads group, or give me a call if you want to chat. Sometimes a break from the technology is good too...go get some activities in during the week. :)

    Enjoy that birthday man! I hope it is a fun one! Take lots of pictures!

  2. Great post. I often wonder why I can't motivate myself more easily when it comes to certain things. Since I am a bit older as a dad, I have made the conscious decision to enjoy the kids and not worry as much about other things, but one of those things is working out.

  3. Thanks for stopping by Jeffro! I feel your pain on the baby induced lack of sleep, luckily, we have passed that phase (I think).

  4. It's the need for longevity that drives me now. Can't cut it short when they need us right?

  5. When you say "older" how old are we talking? (I'm 44, dad of a 4yo). And what kinds of things (other than working out) are you not worrying about? I'm not consciously choosing not to exercise — just a lazy-ass.

  6. How'd the bday go? I know every day I think "Tomorrow I'm gonna get some damn sleep! I HAVE to, if I want to keep up with this freight train of a kid." And then I don't. Maybe if I wasn't a blogger. Or the internet didn't exist or something...

  7. Eating right, working out, getting things done that need to be done. You are old though, thanks for the pick me up! ;-)

  8. It was great, I was born to cook for entertaining. Second career perhaps?