Friday, December 28, 2012


VV dressed little Link in all black this morning and I was thinking he kind of looked like a tiny ninja. Later I realized it was not so off base as I was reminded Link is proficient in an ancient technique which is silent yet powerful enough to peel paint from the walls or render one father blind from squinting. The little ninja had been mellow all morning and I was stoked that while cleaning up after his latest environmental disaster he was not attempting his usual solo double-speed Riverdance performance on the changing station for the first time in months. I picked him up, "All clean, look at this smiley little guy!" Of course, he promptly spit up all down the front of my shirt and the floor. Ninja I tell you. Kept his cheesy grin on the whole time too.

From behind me, J Bean (aka Captain Obvious) shouts, "Hey Dad, Link just spit up!"


Monday, December 24, 2012

Stuff My Mom Says

Received in a voicemail: I don't know what I did, but I lost your number. Call me.

Stuff My Mom Says...

Mom: Someone told me about that earlier today, I can't remember who.
Me: Did you talk to Mary today? Was she the one who told you?
Mom: I'm not sure.
Me: Well, who else did you talk to today?
Mom: No one.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Pepper Protein

Thanks to VV, J Bean is an informed foodie always questioning the vitamin, mineral, protein and sugar content of her snacks. With that said, she lacks the impulse control to use that information wisely (she gets this from me I'm pretty sure). In other words, she will gladly inform you of the dangers of too much sugar before devouring an entire bag of Halloween candy.

While preparing lunch for J Bean today, she inquired as to whether or not the small sweet peppers on her plate have protein. "I'm not sure, let me look it up", I replied. I spoke into my smart phone, "Do peppers have protein question mark?" As I looked at the results on the screen J Bean said, "Daddy, why won't Question Mark answer you?" Trying to explain this concept to my daughter who knows little of sentence structure or technology was an exercise in patience and communication. I think she is still convinced Question Mark is some jerk you call on the phone for answers who might give you an answer if he feels like it.

Oh, and by the way, sweet peppers do have some protein as J Bean suspected.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Momma Said Knock You Out

Just lost a fight with Mike Tyson. By a fight I mean a trip to Target and by Mike Tyson I mean a toddler and a preschooler. No one bit my ear off, but I wanted to eat my children and be done with it by the time it was over. The youngest was spitting up like old faithful at regular intervals and the elder was picking at my tattered spirit with constant whining and peppering me with questions that can either not be answered by anyone or that she already knows the answers to. To top it off, I got a call with some results from recent blood work and the Doc says I have a vitamin D deficiency. WTF? So now I'm going to get Rickets or something, perfect. I hope vodka has plenty of vitamin D. If not, I'll just drink some and pass out in the sun for a while as the UV rays are supposed to help. Oh wait, there won't be any sun in Chicago for the next 4 months or so.