Thursday, October 15, 2015

On Changes...

Sitting on my new balcony, overlooking the large swimming pool, a gurgling fountain and surrounded by tropical fauna I collect my thoughts and begin to write.  I absentmindedly reach to my pocket for a cigarette where there are none. Overhead the cloudy, Florida night is punctuated by stars and interrupted by tall pines shifting sleepily in the warm breeze. I hear the barely noticeable white noise of my children’s monitor, motorcycles cruising along the highway, the chatter and splashes of swimmers and a few muted conversations of my new neighbors.

There have been quite a few changes in my life over the past several months and I reflect quietly on them while taking in a deep breath of the breeze tinted with chlorine and the memory of the sea. The monitor buzzes steadily indicating my children, my loves, have given in on their battle with sleep though they will live to fight another day. Laundry is done, well as done as it ever it is in my home, with 3 loads neatly folded and hung and one in the chamber, ready for a quick toss if needed. I fed the children, cleaned up after, helped with homework and even had time for a quick vacuum of the living room interstate. The surface streets can wait for the weekend.

A few dishes in the sink, a stray ant or 5 scrambling for food on the counter that isn’t as clean as the former at-home Dad within me would like, but all in all the “new normal” isn’t that bad. Two homes, two sets of beds, two jobs and two holiday calendars mark the odd multiplication that results from a family’s division. VV and I are co-parents of a different sort now and I have been back at work for nearly a year.

No apologies are needed, condolences are not appropriate. Two adults decided the best thing for our children was a home that didn’t include both of us. Reasons as old as time and as new as the pain of a paper-cut are to blame, but they won’t be rehashed in these here pages. Sure, there were periods of weeping and grieving. Heartbreak is never easy, no matter whose fault or how slow the burn leading up to it. Coming to terms with days where I don’t see the little ones, when I don’t get a hug and a kiss from either was not easy (for either of us, I’m sure).

I held my head high and stayed strong for Link and J Bean (at least when they were around) and I slowly came to terms with a new life.  A life I am feeling comfortable in, full of experiences and people I would not have known in my former station. Despite this, congratulations aren’t in order either. Life marches on and I am who I am because of what I have been through. There is no need for regret, for hatred or jealousy. I try to accept my shortcomings and those of others and let the pages turn. I’ve never been much for drafting an outline first, I tend to let the words and the shifting sands of time carry me where they will.

I’m forever grateful for the years I had the chance to spend as an at-home dad. I am better for the experience, more grounded in the lives of my children than I might have been otherwise. I benefited from the friends I made in circles I would not have traveled had my life taken another path. I’m thankful for the support and the interest of so many readers, friends and confidants. I hope to continue to contribute within these pages from time to time, but for right now I just want to stare at the sky, dream of the promise of tomorrow and talk to someone who thinks I am a better person than I am. Much love to all you parenting partners, keep fighting that good fight and if you find your world turned upside down? Well, I suggest you call over the little ones and stand on your head with them to see if it’s the world that has changed or if it was just you. 


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